i've been a bit depressed lately. i think that half my friends would look at me doubtfully if i told them that, but i think the ones who are closer to me have noticed. and i dont really know why i'm feeling the way i do. probably, its the stress i'm going through. even though i'm almost 20, i still want to make my parents proud of me. is that why i push myself to do good in school, so i can tell them i got an a? and right now, ben is one of the most central things to my life. i want my parents to see this, and respect this. when they don't.... it hurts me.

my roomate thinks i should tell them off, say its my life and my choice. but i just can't do that. they have their own issues they are working through right now. my mom still mourning her parents death, and my dad unsure about his job situation as he has been for five years. saying something like that to my parents would basically be telling them i didnt want to have a relationship with them anymore. even if thats not the message that should be taken from the words i would say, that is what they would hear. i would like to be happy to see them again, not afraid to answer my phone when they call... i dont think they could ever understand what this does to me, no matter how many times i try to tell them.

i need this worked out, so that i can do these last two years of school, so this funk doesnt hurt my relationship with ben and with other friends, and so all i have to share with people is that i am happy with my life.