dear little boy who lives next door,

i hope you are not offended by me calling you little boy. you are just so very short and immature for a college sophmore!

today when i was trying to open my front door, i got to hear you talking on the cell phone. i must say, i could have done without hearing the details of your food poisoning experience. i'm sure whoever you were talking with was enthralled with your descriptions of vomit and "poop" (i have taken the liberty of editing this word.)

i implore you to remember the four girls who live so very close to your house. we don't like to hear poop stories, or basketball every morning, or parties that start at 2 am.

thank you,
your neighbor.

p.s.- maybe you'd feel better if you drank beer in the blow up pool in your front yard again.