I don't really know what to say. This all keeps tumbling through my head and once every hour or so I burst into tears.

I went to my parent's house for a friend's wedding- I was the maid of honor- and while I was at the rehearsal my aunt died out in the woods. She was 53. She was, as far as I know, perfectly healthy. She was hiking with friends and suddenly collapsed...

I cried all night after I got home and my parents told me what happened. I woke up, I put hemmoroid cream on my eyes to try and reduce the swelling, and then I spent 7 hours smiling for photos and feeling like I was going to throw up or cry.

It was horrible. I don't understand why she had to die. She was young! healthy! She had taken the place of my grandparents and opened her home so that the four sisters and their families could still all be together. I don't think that the worst of this will hit me until I see my mom with two sisters instead of three.

That side of my family has always been especially close, and I can not picture how things will be without my aunt. She was my favorite relative, something that I first really thought about only a week ago. I was going to call her this week to talk about my students, and about how our moon journals were going. (I got all my moon journals things from her.) Now I suppose I don't need to return the box of moon journals things that I have in the back of my car. I have a book of hers that I never read and never remembered to give back. I have a note pinned to my message board reminding me to call aunt barb and get some recipies from her. There is an email in my inbox from her that says "hello darling -aunt barby." Why did she email me that? I can't remember.

I wish I had gone to be with my family on Easter. I didn't because of the wedding. I had to go to southern california two weekends in a row, and doing the drive for Easter seemed like too much. I wish so much that I had been there.

I talk about her with my students all the time. I always say things about how my Aunt who teaches 5th grade does this or that, and half of the things in my classroom I owe to her. What do I say? My aunt who "taught" 5th grade?

This morning I tried to tell my students that I had had a hard weekend, but I almost cried when I told them that I had a "Garfunkel day." Garfunkel is a little paper man that folds up to illustrate how "folded up" and sad we feel when bad things happen. I stole the idea for him from my aunt too. I will never be as lovely, patient, and wonderful as she was with her students. They loved her so much. I don't know how those little kids are going to get through the rest of the year without her. I imagine there are grief counselors all over her school today.

The only good thing about this is that she died outside, doing what she loved. I still have the Christmas card from my aunt and uncle sitting out. There is a picture of them sitting on the edge of a cliff, and my aunt writes about how much she loved to hike. Every time I think about her dying out in the hills, I cry.